We started our weekly meetings in June of this year and initially it would take us about two hours and often we had some heated discussions. Even now, we occasionally have some heated discussions but they are certainly not full blown arguments and they are usually resolved within a few minutes. Do you have a weekly or at least monthly family financial meeting or does discussing money usually lead to an argument? Finances are the one of the top reasons for divorce. Just Google "financial problems in marriage" and see what comes up.
How do you improve your communication with your spouse so you can discuss finances without arguing. Below are some ideas.
- Discover your common financial goals. Do you both want to retire with an income that allows you to visit children and/or grandchildren or to serve missions as a senior couple. Do you want to be able to help your children with the costs of college or missions. Do you want to live in a bigger home or go on nice vacations. Agreeing on the "why" you want to manage your finances makes it much easier to discuss the "how" to do it.
- Gain a testimony of how Heavenly Father wants you to manage his resources. (Remember they are his resources, not yours!) Look up scriptures and conference talks about debt and finances and learn how the church manages their finances. Elder Bednar's October 2013 conference talk, "The Windows of Heaven" is a great one as well as President N. Eldon Tanner's "Constancy amid Change".
- Take some private time to ponder and meditate upon why you get stressed about finances. Was your family always struggling financially when you were growing up? Does the idea of managing your finances sound too much like 'controlling' your finances and you hate feeling controlled? Did you grow up with parents that had plenty of money and now it is hard to go without things you could afford while living with your parents?
- Learn about finances and relationships. How much time do we spend watching our favorite sports or television shows yet we can't find time to read a book about how to improve our relationship with our spouse or how to manage our finances. One of my favorite books about relationships is "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex". My favorite finance book is Dave Ramsey's "The Total Money Makeover". (See me if you would like to borrow a copy).
- Share what you learned with your spouse. Not in a preachy, "look how you need to change" sort of way but in a "this is interesting, what do you think" sort of way. I think of it like the difference between a golden retriever and a chihuahua. The golden retriever brings you a ball and drops it at your feet as if to say, "I would really enjoy it if you threw this, but I understand if you can't right now". The chihuahua jumps in your face, licks you to death, and barks constantly until you will do anything to get it to go away. (Sorry, if I offended any chihuahua fans.)
- Find some help. Many years ago my wife and I were going through a tough time in our marriage and we went to see a counselor at LDS Family Services. Wow, that counselor had some great insight and to this day we still refer to some of the skills she taught us. Just like any professional, if you don't hit it off with them keep looking until you find the right one. Also don't forget your bishop is a great resource and you can always attend one of my financial classes.
- Recognize all change is a process and not a destination. Just like everything else in life, we don't become masters of any skill overnight. It take practice. Remember practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes permanent so be sure you are practicing correctly.
- Prayer - This probably should have been at the top of the list but don't forget to pray to Heavenly Father. Remember, as with many things in life, he may not remove the challenges we face but he will help us know how to deal with them.
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